"My essay talks about the realities of life. I discuss the fact that nothing matters more than those things that are free. No big home or fancy car can replace the intense emotions of love, joy, and peace. I touch on the aspects of family, friends, and growing up while learning what truly matters in our short walk of life."
TIB First Draft
TIB First Draft
Love, Joy, & Peace? Priceless.
Todd Arnette – Boone, North Carolina
My parents split when I was just a kid, and I ended up spending the majority of my childhood with my mother. We moved around a lot at first, starting out at my grandparent’s house for a while until my mom could get back up on her feet. Then, we lived in a small apartment on the east side of town for a couple of years, and then, we finally settled down in a single wide trailer on the outskirts of town. This was where I really grew up, where I was introduced to the hard knock realities of life. At first, I thought everyone else in the world lived like we did. Everyone in my community lived in trailers, wore hand-me-downs, and worked hard for everything they had, which unfortunately, usually wasn’t that much. It wasn’t until grade school I began to comprehend the fact that there was an upper class.
It astonished me that I could go to a friend’s house and actually get lost on my way to the bathroom, or ride in their mom’s car just to see a T.V. screen flip down and appear out of nowhere. That was exciting to say the least. Now don’t get me wrong, my mom and I were blessed, and she worked hard to provide for us, but I began to wonder why I didn’t have all these things. I began to covet those big homes and fancy cars that I had been deprived of all those years. I struggled with this reality all through middle school and most of high school as well.
Now, as a young man in college, looking back on my childhood and adolescent years, I don’t miss not having the things I wanted so bad, nor do I regret not having them. I realize that not having these things growing up has made me stronger, and has forced me to cherish the more simpler things in life, and quite honestly, the more important things in life. I now know that no car, no matter how fancy, can imitate the amount of joy I experience when sitting on my grandparent’s front porch in the summertime. And no house, no matter how big, can bring as much peace in my life as sitting in my local church on Sunday morning with those that I love. I can look back and say that love matters when money doesn’t. Knowing now that my mom picked up that second job over the summer so she could buy my Christmas presents for that year, now that’s love. She didn’t do it for the money, she did it because she loved me that much, and that matters.
We all know the old cliché, “the best things in life are free”, well, I believe it. I believe the most important things in the entire universe cannot be bought with money. But I don’t just believe it, I live it. I scream it. I know it is true, because I am living proof.
For the first draft of my essay, I was peer reviewed. I enjoyed the process and got gome great feedback. I was helped with a few wording and grammatical errors. I also got feedback that I did not agree with, which sonsisted of mostly "you can not use contractions" and "do not start a sentence with 'but'". Never the less, I really appreciated my classmates opinions and I feel their suggestions helped me to create a better final draft.
TIB Second Draft (With comments from my professor)For the first draft of my essay, I was peer reviewed. I enjoyed the process and got gome great feedback. I was helped with a few wording and grammatical errors. I also got feedback that I did not agree with, which sonsisted of mostly "you can not use contractions" and "do not start a sentence with 'but'". Never the less, I really appreciated my classmates opinions and I feel their suggestions helped me to create a better final draft.
Todd Arnette – Boone, North Carolina
My parents split when I was just a kid[KA2] . And I ended up spending most of my childhood with my mom in the small college town of Boone, NC[KA3] . We moved around a lot at first, starting out at my grandparents’s house for a while until my mom could get back up on her feet. After that we lived in a small apartment on the east side of town. After a couple of years there, we finally settled down in a single wide trailer on the outskirts of town[KA4] . This was where I really grew up, where I was introduced to the hard knock realities of life.
At first, I thought everyone else in the world lived like we did. Everyone in my community lived in trailers, wore hand-me-downs, and worked hard for everything they had, which unfortunately, usually wasn’t that much. It wasn’t until grade school I began to comprehend the fact that there even was an upper class.
It astonished me that I could go to a friend’s house and actually get lost on my way to the bathroom, or ride in their mom’s car just to see a T.V. screen flip down and appear out of nowhere like a spaceship. Now don’t get me wrong, my mom and I were blessed, and she worked hard to provide for us, but I began to wonder why I didn’t have all these things[KA5] . I began to covet those big homes and fancy cars that I had been deprived of all those years. I struggled with these envious feeling all through middle school and most of high school as well.
Now, as a young man in college, I look back on my childhood and adolescent years, and I don’t regret not having the things I wanted so bad. I realize that not having these things growing up has made me stronger. It has forced me to cherish the simpler things in life, and quite honestly, the more important things in life. I now know that no car, no [KA6] matter how fancy, can imitate the amount of joy I experience when sitting on my grandparent’s front porch in the summertime. And no house, no matter how big, can bring as much peace in my life as sitting in my local church on Sunday morning with those that I love.
Now, I can look back and say that love matters when money doesn’t. Knowing now that my mom picked up that second job over the summer so she could buy my Christmas presents for that year, now that’s love. She didn’t do it for the money, she did it because she loved me that much, and that matters.
We all know the old cliché, “the best things in life are free”, well, I believe it. I believe the most important things in the entire universe cannot be bought with money. But I don’t just believe it, I live it. I scream it. I know it is true because I am living proof[KA7] [KA8] .
[KA3]Do you think that you should mention that Boone is also a mountain town? Would it help your readers at all?
[KA4]Did you mean to repeat this phrase at the end of both sentences? Is there another way to phrase the second one because it kind of stopped me up as a reader?
[KA5]You have a lot of commas going on in this sentence and I’m not sure that they are working the way that you want them to. Is there another way that you could punctuate or write this sentence to have the paused/broken effect that you would like?
[KA6]These words are so similar in spelling and sound—they can sort of jumble in the mind of a reader. Could you separate them a bit or take one of them out to make it easier for your reader? Please don’t mess with the parallel structure that you have going on—I love these two sentences, but I am having a hard time with that beginning part.
Todd,
I think that you have done an amazing job with your essay. You have such an authentic voice with your narrative and you play with language in such an easy and crafty manner. I think that your essay could be even stronger if you look at it on the word level. I am seeing a lot of repeated word choice—especially with “now” and “know.” You may want to locate the places where you use these words and see if you have overused them in any places. Also, you seem to use commas any time that you want to pause or take a break in your narrative/writing. You may want to consider using shorter sentences or dashes for greater stylistic effect. Overall, I think that you did a great job and I look forward to reading your final draft!
KA
TIB Final Revised Draft
The Best things in Life Truly are Free
Todd Arnette – Boone, North Carolina
My parents split when I was just a kid. And I ended up spending most of my childhood with my mom in the small college town of Boone located in the mountains of North Carolina. We moved around a lot at first, starting out at my grandparent’s house for a while until my mom could get back up on her feet. After that we lived in a small apartment on the east side for a couple of years. Then finally, we settled down in a single wide trailer on the outskirts of town. This was where I really grew up, where I was introduced to the hard knock realities of life.
At first, I thought everyone else in the world lived like we did. Everyone in my community lived in trailers, wore hand-me-downs, and worked hard for everything they had, which unfortunately, usually wasn’t that much. It wasn’t until grade school I began to comprehend the fact that there even was an upper class.
It astonished me that I could go to a friend’s house and actually get lost on my way to the bathroom, or ride in their mom’s car just to see a T.V. screen flip down and appear out of nowhere like a spaceship. Now don’t get me wrong, my mom and I were blessed. She worked very hard to provide for us, but I began to wonder why I didn’t have all these things. I began to covet those big homes and fancy cars that I had been deprived of all those years. I struggled with these envious feeling all through middle school and most of high school as well.
Now, as a young man in college, I look back on my childhood and adolescent years, and I don’t regret not having the things I wanted so bad. I realize that not having these things growing up has made me stronger. It has forced me to cherish the simpler things in life, and quite honestly, the more important things in life. I currently realize that no car, however fancy it may be, can imitate the amount of joy I experience when sitting on my grandparent’s front porch in the summertime. And no house, whatever shape or size, can bring as much peace in my life as sitting in my local church on Sunday morning with those that I love.
Today, I can look back and say that love matters when money doesn’t. Knowing now that my mom picked up that second job over the summer so she could buy my Christmas presents for that year, now that’s love. She didn’t do it for the money, she did it because she loved me that much, and that matters.
We all know the old cliché, “the best things in life are free”, well, I believe it. I believe the most important things in the entire universe cannot be bought with money. But I don’t just believe it, I live it. I scream it. I know it is true because I am living proof.
TIB Reflective Commentary
TIB Reflective Commentary
Todd Arnette
English 1102
TIB Essay Reflection
10/2/12
The drafting and revision process for my essay consisted mostly of repeatedly reading my essay aloud and rearranging phrases and words that do not sound “authentic”. For most papers, this process doesn’t work as well because you are writing very formal and attempting to sound as intelligent as possible. But, for this essay it worked perfectly because you simply write like you speak. The main goal is to connect with your audience on a personal level and convey an important message about something you truly believe. As far as outside of class, I always slip into some comfy clothes, sit at my desk, and listen to some of my favorite songs. This routine works great for me. In class, we wrote “This I Believe” credos which really got the thought train rolling and made me think about what I honestly believe; what is truly important to me as an individual. We also participated in peer responses during class, which for the most part were very helpful because I got a second opinion on my wording and some help with my grammar. On the other hand, it was kind of annoying getting feedback I know was incorrect or didn’t agree with. (i.e. “contractions are wrong…).
For my next draft, I will continue to read my paper aloud and most likely let my roommates read it so I can possibly get some feedback from them. I am sure there are some “that’s” that can be removed and some “it’s” that can be replaced with a better term. The strongest moment of my paper is no doubt where I talk about my mom getting a second job so she could buy Christmas presents for me. It is true, and really means a lot to me, even more now that I am an adult. The shortest sentences in my paper are the ones I am most proud of. In response to my This I Believe thesis statement I say, “I live it. I scream it.” I feel like these simple sentences grab the audience and portray how serious I am about the subject. The most difficult part of the essay was attempting to write like I sound, as well as fitting everything I wanted to say into 500 words. I was able to incorporate parallelism into my paper where I was discussing big homes and fancy cars. I also connected with my audience by writing about a relatable topic (divorce) and by conveying emotion.
Reading other This I Believe essays helped the most to guide my paper. I gained inspiration and ideas from many of those we discussed in class. The messages in the essays I chose to read were all very strong and of importance to my life in some way. I also went back to my personal credo for my initial idea, and then grew on the subject by adding my personal story and explaining why I believe the way I do. I am very competitive, so hearing class discussions and reading some great essays written by my classmates just made me want to make my paper better and pour all that I had into it.
As the author of this essay, I simply felt like a story teller and (hopefully) an inspiration. I didn’t want to sound like an authority figure. The most challenging aspect of writing this essay was actually putting the thoughts in my head onto the paper. My feelings on this subject are strong, and I wanted to make it obvious to my audience that my story is true and my emotions concerning my story are true as well. I feel as though writing about this subject has made me even stronger and firmer in my beliefs, it also felt great to tell others my story and knowing that, hopefully, they will get something out of it.
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